Do you ever remember where you were a certain date...it is usually something completely magic or completely tragic...March 9, 2011...at this time of night probably sitting in the darkness...thinking we would wake up from this dream...at 6:18 p.m (the time remembered because Jay was born June 18)., Ash Wednesday, my "favorite son-in-law" I called him...okay my only...but still called him that as he called me Sweetness...and I see where his daughter gets her giving me crap from...and I love her all the more for it...but as I was working to write...Jay was killed in the line of duty. His life taken by another...and that day has become a marker in time...we often will say before Jay or after Jay...and though we don't finish the sentence...you know and now thinking about this 4 years ago. The other day...actually I called it my Jay Bird day...my sister-in-law, Sandy and I went to lunch and she asked does it seem like 4 years to you or forever?
She thought it seemed like forever since she had seen his face...but there are things that seem like only 4 minutes ago as clear as they are in my mind...I think about my Jay Bird day...it was Thursday...full moon...and I had woke up with the start of a poem in my head...4-Ever...
Some might not know the significance of the 4. That was Jay's call number...Limon 4...I keep on my facebook a collage that I had put together...of favorite pics...of the date of his EOW...an acronym I used to not even know what it stood for...and really would be okay not knowing what End of Watch signified...but I do...
I look at these pics and remember which ones I took...in his black Limon sweatshirt...a day at our house...spent shooting as I have another of him carrying his gun...the gun one used in his video for he and Heather's wedding...Keith Urban's I'm Gonna Love You...a song that made me think of Heather and Jay when they got married...a song I heard on my Jay Bird Day...I can remember not too long after we lost Jay of Izzy and I stopping in a Luv's store and that song playing...and the words sticking out to me...I wanna stand out in a crowd for you as a man among men...and I think automatically of Jay's funeral...there is a video that I might have watched I don't even know how many times...pictures of that day...but the song that went with it...Save a place for me...and as I watched it this morning...I remembered how raw with pain that day was...but how one sweet little Isabel seemed to bring us light...pointing at the fireworks...picking flowers at her daddy's grave...that ended up on the Denver Post...I remember watching the photographer and stepping back...as it was a picture that I knew had to be taken...and I think how tiny she was...and I was thinking the other day...how many days...Isabel has been a part of our lives for 2,081 days...her daddy has been gone 1,461 of those days...70% of her life. Yet I feel that in those 620 days that he was here...Izzy can be certain her daddy loved her...in the 977 days Heather and Jay were married...Heather knew Jay loved her. Oh were they a perfect family? Is there a perfect family...but probably very close to 4 years prior to my Jay Bird day...the kids were all at our house. But I can clear as day remember (back to the 4 minute thing...the magic thing) seeing Jay putting his arms around Heather and giving her a hard time and Izzy trying to break them apart...and I just remember holding that one in my heart and thinking "life is good". And then all of that taken away just a few days later...I remember the smile he gave as they left...giving Heather a hard time...and I wonder where the time has gone...and I pull up the youtube video again...
And perhaps there are some that think I wallow in the pain...that I might speak too much of losing one...but things that happened after Jay...have been as though it is important and something I need to do to REMEMBER...and though I remember many of the funny...the Jay moments...I too remember the pain of losing one we love...of watching my daughter and granddaughter...his mom and dad...his sister and brother...and all of the rest of us be without him...and a reminder of how precious life is and we are not guaranteed one day much less 10,126 days...how many days Jay was here. And I wonder...when I am gone...will 4 years later...those that I love will they be told...I miss...I remember...I love...considered a hero...though Jay would probably say no...just doing my job that I loved. I remember one day hanging out with he and Izzy he playing an X-box game it seems...I not really caring for it...but hanging out I think rocking a sleeping Izzy. Anyway I remember Jay getting shot in the game and telling him...I don't think you are supposed to do that...and I can still hear him laughing at me saying yeah I know...but that laugh...he loved to use it...and I look back at the pics on the collage and I had seen that Heather had put one together...
And I look at these pics and think in some ways they seem like yesterday and one wonders where does 4 years or 1,461 days go so quickly to? How did we lose a little baby into a kindergartener? But as I seen the other day...one think I have learned...life goes on. Whether we stop or not it goes and there is a song that Heather likes and I think of something it might be Jay telling the girls...it isn't about traveling to exotic places or some extensive list of "to do's" that matters how you lived...but maybe how you felt about what you did with each day...how others felt about you...if you let someone know you loved them...so when I hear I Lived by One Republic...it just reminds me...we only have so many days...what did we do with them...
I think of my day today...of waking up and spending time at my kitchen table...of reading from God Calling...for today's date it read...
NOTHING IS SMALL
Nothing is small to
God. In His sight a sparrow is of
greater value than a palace, one kindly word of more importance than a stateman’s
speech.
It is the Life in all
that has value, and the quality of the life that determines the value. I came to give Eternal Life.How I came upon catching up in this book that gave me inspiration many of those first days after Jay...but I hadn't looked at but had some visitors over the weekend and one sweet little girl found it in my basket and shared it with her mom...I think of this little girl...the daughter of a couple who four years ago...brought Tim and I clothes from Alco as we had not packed and then we spend the day with them almost 4 years later...but anyway their daughter that ran for the sheep when she escaped the house...saying..."Oh Boy" and I could hear Jay laughing...this little one who I may forever just call "Oh Boy!"...a granddaughter of one we had lunch with today...best man at Heather and Jay's wedding...Gordon...you know those tough guy cops that I watched him tonight at dinner...and the interaction between he and Izzy...makes me smile...makes me smile that he has grandkids that are friends with mine...as I seen a picture of Kara and Jay as one of the profile pics on facebook today...and I smile every time I see it!
And so I add a picture from yesterday of Kara with Jay's daughter Izzy...my Firecracker...who though didn't get to have her dad use crayons on her fingernails...loves the story and wanted to try it sometime...
Time flies by so quickly and so I come back to my day of reading something that hit me this morning a quote that was shared...shared by Martha Gilstrap...from Washington Irving...
Quote of the Day:
There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love. -- Washington Irving
Those who know me know I am a tears person...but I am also a laughter person...I continue on thinking of the day. Of choosing to spend it with my daughter in place of going into the office. We met up at the cemetery and I think of the poem I had started to share and perhaps hopped on my bike and seen a squirrel...but here the poem I had written for Jay and put in a shadow box...
So I think of this 4-Ever and a day...of the three things that will last forever FAITH...HOPE...LOVE and the greatest of these is LOVE...and I am reminded of the verse that has stayed with us for Jay...
"Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends". John 15:13 KJV
And I am taken back to a song I heard...sung by Page CXVI...Christ Alone...and the words from this song just stick with me..."No guilt in life...no fear in death...from life's first cry...to final breath" and I think of my faith...of Jay's faith...Christian...of just the simple truth of John 3:16... "For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son...that whosoever believeth in Him shall not perish but have Everlasting Life." It is this truth that I feel Jay Bird has everlasting life...I write Bird and think of the bird that soared on my Jay Bird Full Moon day...a hawk looking type bird...with red on it...I not getting close enough to look....but thinking of Jay soaring!
I feel Jay's faith was an important part of who he was...sure he was not perfect...but are any of us...that is back to the whole grace thing...but it is as though I need to share...the day Jay was killed...it was earlier in the day...I having a conversation with Mary and had shared with her this dream or vision or what I am not sure...but of seeing some reaching out from below me saying why didn't you tell me...so at times this haunts me...of wanting to share my faith...as though something I have been called to do...the Forever thing...
And so I look back at the day as remembering my favorite son-in-law is also one of the things that seem to be one to do...and so I share some pictures from the cemetery...of time with my girls...of dinner with some more of special people...some of Jay's "family"...His folks...his sister Autumn and husband Andy...Sitting next to Jake and his precious little Boston at Southside...and I think of one of the pictures of Jay and Izzy dancing...at Southside. Jake one of those guys I think of when I heard a song that Heather shared...of sitting across from Russell...of Gordon right near Heather's back...thinking of the Chief calling Heather during lunch and their conversation...of texting with him...of a reminder of That's What Brothers Do... That's What Brothers Do by Kirby Stailey
So Jay Bird...know you are 4-Ever in our hearts...and reminders of you in one precious little girl who came with her mom after school and then needed to go with Grammy and Grandad...the LORD has blessed us with a part of Jay's legacy that he liked to call Peanut! And I know this is much of my motivation for capturing these little snapshots in time...to share with an Izzy...to let her know who her dad was...that he loved her...and he was a special one...
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| This shirt seemed to make me think of her dad...and then this is the one she wore today... |
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| Writing on the flower pots...dad |
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| My girls...and watching how much Izzy has changed from each year...each 365 days... |
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| Izzy greeting Grammy and Grandad... |
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| Izzy hugging her mama... |
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| Roses that were waiting on us with the rock |
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| Some Jay and Izzy flowers... |
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| Southside...Izzy and Grammy getting some card playing in.. |
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| My girls...Boston and Izzy...the princesses! |
This picture makes me stop and think of another song...I think of Jake having a beer with Jay...of Lance introducing me to this song as a Jay song...
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| This guy really don't like me taking his pic... |
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| And you all know how I feel about this guy Jake... |
And this might have been quite the ride....what one might get at 1:30 or 2:00 in the morning and I realize it is no longer the 9th...but you know as it was 4 years ago...the days that followed are as much a part as the day...I include a couple writings that touched my heart...
the Chief's daughter Amie shared:
I also want to thank the Limon Police Department and the Lincoln County Sheriffs Department for continuing to put your life on the line daily to protect all of us. You are appreciated more than you will ever know.
— with Lynn Lisa Yowell and 8 others.
Another by Joie Broderick...who used to work with Jay...
Today marks 4 years. It's hard to wrap my mind around that. It's rare if a day goes by without a memory, a smell, a joke or even roughed up hair to remind me of one very special friend God allowed me to have. Today marks a new beginning for me. I can't continue to hate this day. I can no longer let it consume me. I will not continue to carry the anger and bitterness. I'm determined to honor Jay's memory by making new memories and new goals with determination.
I will never forget, never take for granted the life of those I love, including my family in Blue. Missing you all tonight. Much love to Heather Sheridan and Izzy and the Sheridan/Pfeiff families!
Never Forgotten
— with Lynn Lisa Yowell and 4 others
And Joie I think we have some similar thoughts...so I leave with one picture...Izzy's roses from her mama...but a reminder to stop and smell the roses....
lya
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