And so tonight I talk to "Mom" Pfeiff on the way home...she tells me today was Lucas' birthday...And I think of how my morning started...an early morning...just seemed to need time at the kitchen table. There seemed to be different things making me think of life...of death...and I go to look tonight for a picture of Lucas...and I know I have some but can't find them tonight but instead I find a writing I had from a year ago...and so I change the age...because it was one I thought I would share...though I go through and edit his age...and add thoughts to intermingle with these words...
Lucas’ birthday…he would be 37…though it just
seems yesterday…he would have been 18.Just yesterday…a life taken way to soon it seems.Lucas was one of those with a perhaps not
full out fire yet but definitely a spark.He just had that little grin that could warm your heart.I did not spend as much time with Luke…I’m
sure we all think that.The youngest of
three brothers…Brothers.And there is
a song that always makes me think of Lucas.And I wonder who you’d be today. Grandma and I talked about that today...you wonder...what if...a question I ask often...
And I thought of that when your aunt saying how old you would be.Thirty seven years…and that is
hard for me to imagine as we seem to just leave a person at the last age we
seen them last…Whether they have left this life or not...
I have pondered why is that those that leave us we usually
only remember their good qualities and if there was qualities that drove us
crazy we still make them endearing…and perhaps that is a gift…much like how you
can remember your childhood.You can
either make it a miserable existence…or you just remember the good parts and
think life was good then!My heart thinks of you Lucas as I sit here at
my kitchen table…and my thoughts and prayers go for your mom…your brothers…all your
family and friends that misses you still.I stop and give respect and think I would have liked to have known you
more…you were a special one Lucas…you were a special one!
I put in a picture that I found...I know Brian will not love this one...but I remember this day...Brian's 8th grade graduation...Brian living with us at the time...but the brother's together...
Oh Lucas...so dang cute...I think of Tate's baby Rigen not a baby anymore...close to the age you were Luke and something of him makes me think of Lucas...perhaps the grin...and I think of the sunrise and the sunsets today...both of which saying a special day. I read about how Aaron Watson had not written of the loss of his daughter...not to make others sad but to remind how precious life is. And also to stop and remember you Luke...that you are special to us...
And so I think of the sunsets...one I caught as I was headed up the road...distractions and shadows...darkness...but at the end of the road light...and I wonder what verse I should add...and I think of course it should come from Luke...and so I include on the picture...one of the verses that speaks to me...
Peace to those who walk this road of life...Thinking of Lucas on his birthday...left us much too soon...
I finish what I started yesterday...how I love spring time...such JOY and miracles it seems...I had begun writing yesterday...
An awesome pi day...3.14...went with Lance to the cows...we discussed Kasey Jo waiting to have little Baby O and kind of cool if would be born on pi day...this year being 3.1415...ANYWAY...I love spending time with my son...though here for a short time...it is weaning time for the lambs and I hear them this morning...they are not pleased!
While feeding calves...we were checking on the milk cows...how close one was...well as we walked out around them...mama seemed a little more standoffish than normal...I am sure Lance was happy I had my camera to help speed us along (this would be a place for the sarcasm font to be entered)...those old nurse cows have such personality...we laughed as you can tell a milk cow...had it right out there with everybody!! I laughed at Lance telling his dad...he thought she was quite a ways off...not even bred...and then telling him she had it!
Yo MAMA!
And as Lance got closer...there it was cow Pi ;) Okay I thought a fitting name...I am sure the shepherd wishes he was a she...but adorable all the same...hiding there in the shelter. And I had posted a picture of the hidden treasure...still wet even...
cow Pi
And I had a friend say something this morning of being able to catch miraculous moments and so I feel I should give credit where credit is due...The Good Lord often provides such amazing gifts to us if we catch them...and I read in Jesus Calling by Sarah Young for the 15th and it just seems to go along with it...
"LISTEN TO THE LOVE SONG that I am continually singing to you. I take great delight in you...I rejoice over you with singing. The voices of the world a cacophony of chaos, pulling you this way and that. Don't listen to the those voices; challenge them with My Word. Learn to take minibreaks from the world, finding a place to be still in My Presence and listen to My voice. There is immense hidden treasure to be found through listening to Me. Though I pour out blessings upon you always, some of MY richest blessings have to be actively sought. I love to reveal Myself to you, and your seeking heart opens you up to receive more of My disclosure. Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you."
"The LORD your God in your midst,
The Mighty One will save;
He will rejoice over you with gladness,
He will quiet you with His love,
He will rejoice over you with singing."
Zephaniah 3:17
And part of this just makes me think of that little calf hiding...and so I had some words to another picture...
And I think of my friend Janelle who had shared a pic...and earlier had been asking for prayers for her daddy...one of those old cowboys that just makes you smile! And so I am thinking of her and her family...and may you have peace in these times...the other verse in this morning's reading...
"Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you." Matthew 7:7
And so I continue on with my day...like I said got to ride along with my son...watched him walking across the way and of course snapped a pic...
Lance...my favorite son!
And I am taken back when he was little...wondering what he would be when he grew up...and I am proud of him and love to see glimpses of my little boy from time to time...I pray for his travels...and that FLIGHTS BE ON TIME! And I smile because as I write this portion I am watching to see...and his flight was a little delayed...but enjoy the sunshine...though I don't know if you could get a better day than yesterday right here at home!
I was listening to Aaron Watson sing Blue Bonnets and it just made me realize how precious our time is. He wrote this for his little girl and so I listening as I watched Lance sort lambs out the window for weaning...thinking of my friend Denise having her last Saturday working at Frontier...bittersweet...yet so much is. And there was something Aaron Watson wrote about Blue Bonnet...
And I pull the following from my journal...
An awesome pi day…3.14…went with Lance to cows…then took
pictures…listening to Blue Bonnets by Aaron Watson talked to Jo and enjoying the fruits of the spirit gifts received from her…just a good
day!
Days like this are
treasures…watching Lance out my kitchen window sorting lambs…like blue bonnets
in the spring we’re only here for a little while…thinking of Denise on her last
Saturday at Frontier and seenhow she
touched lives in her time there…pack light and love heavy…give it all your heart
and soul so in the end you won’t regret one thing.
Aaron Watson wrote Blue Bonnets for his daughter, Julia
Grace, who he lost…why do we say lost…I feel he knows right where she went…and
he wrote something that I relate to…in why I write of those I have lost…and I
cannot think of a harder thing than to lose a child but I loved his words…
Honestly, I am completely humbled by the love and support God has
surrounded me with, in the form of family, friends, and fans. So many of you
kept us in your prayers when we lost Julia, and now 3 1/2 years later, I am
absolutely honored to share her song with you, and with the world. My intent in
writing this song was not to create sadness, but rather to encourage you to
cherish life's precious moments with your loved ones that much more. I will
forever be thankful for the short amount of time that we had with Julia Grace.
And as her daddy, it makes me smile to see her song at #1 on the iTunes chart,
even if only for the day. From the bottom of my heart, I thank you!
I so relate to what he says...my writing isn't to create sadness but rather to encourage you to cherish life's precious moments...
And as I write this I have Pandora on shuffle...Coldplay sings See You Soon...and it makes me think of another we lost too soon...but then it is followed by it's a Brand New Day...and think it would be a good one to put some of my pics too though these aren't mine...I let you listen all the same...and then Wishing by Sugarland comes on...and I realize how much how all kinds of music talks to us and reminded of reading this morning..."He will rejoice over you with singing...and I realize that He sings to us through all kinds of music...if we stop and listen...and I think how random my shuffle is as Bowie begins to sing Changes...and it is an old favorite..."Time may change me but I can't trace time" I always thought it should say Time may change me but I can't change time...and so off I go off on my bike...
And so I leave with a few pics of my day yesterday...just enjoying the spring time day...and I think of yesterday's Jesus Calling...
“DO NOT HESITATE TO RECEIVE JOY FROM ME, for I bestow it on
you abundantly.The more you rest in My
Presence, the more freely My blessings flow into you.In the Light of My Love, you are gradually
transformed from glory to glory.It is
through spending time with Me that you realizeyou wide and long and high and deep is My Love for you.
And Clapton sings me out with Before You Accuse Me...you see I think that is to all those who say YOU HAVEN'T GOT YOUR TAXES DONE!!! You know who you are...so I am off for that...HAPPY SPRING!!! James Taylor sings...Shower the people you love with love...hmmm
time to eat...
not as clear of the birds...but you know....
Excuse me...could you moooooove!
Look at those eyes!
If you seek Me...you will find Me...when you search with all your heart!
Taking a bath...
What is that green coming...
The Queen Sweetie!
A sunny lamb...framed...
Bo just digging it!
It's gonna be a bright bright bright sunshiney day!!!
You are gonna what!!! I want my mama!!!
much quieter here than later...always hard to be taken from their mom's!
Just waiting to have some kids!
Got your goat!
Just taking it all in...
I think this is saying too many pics....but I included a couple of the southdowns...
And then she said...
Newest Southdowns...sooo cute!!!! TWINS!
And I think of all the beauty around just for the looking...and Norah Jones sings...You Humble Me LORD...and I sometimes in such awe...of all that surrounds us...
And so I didn't get this finished earlier...and so while doing my taxes I was watching a PBS on John Denver...and it talked of him writing Annie's Song in like 10 minutes as he went up the ski lift...just looking at all the beauty and so when I go out to help the Shepherd...we are talking about what a beautiful day it is...and I said if I were John Denver...I would have written a song...he said oh you'll probably just write a blog...and so shepherd you fill up my fences....oh maybe I should go more original ;)
And I can't resist this one....my "country bumpkins"...having one of their meetings!
And so I stop...the shepherd having a baby...well not him personally...you know what I mean! Have a great week this week...and think of my son...WORKING! I think of my girls and hope they had a fun weekend...I have been blessed!
And so it seems to have been many sad blogs as of late...I really don't just sit and mourn all day...and so today I share JOY! You see over the weekend we had the Randolph family come by...you might have heard me talking of the couple who 4 years ago brought us clothes...nothing bonds you like when someone give you underwear and sweat pants...and then when you need to feed someone...well Wes I appreciated your sacrifice!
But I get back to JOY...you see sometimes there are just moments...moments that just make you smile...that just inspire you. Pam and Wes have four "littles" I think Pam calls them and one of which happens to be TWO today...Madi I think is the correct spelling of her name...but while dad and the two older siblings Kara and Gabe were out looking at picking their lambs...somehow the door got left open...before noticed one said Madi had escaped out the kitchen door...slid on her little fanny down the steps...and then she seen them!
She caught sight of the lambs and began to yell, "Oh Boy! Oh Boy!" As she ran as fast as her cute little legs would carry her...and until someone caught her she was in this place of JOY! I did happen to catch her later running with almost the same enthusiasm and so of course snapped a pic.
I love kids and kids with that little something something just make me smile...and so Happy Birthday Madi...and I share just a couple more pictures from the day and this little one who seems to have a contagious smile!...SEE...there you go...
Then she had on her daddy's shades and I couldn't choose...she thought he needed to give her a kiss but see look at that smile...
But I should include her siblings as well...one of which she was insistent on kissing as well...baby Liam...
And Liam seemed to like one other person...well besides his mom of course...which I kind of like her my ownself...
And these kids seemed to hang out by the goats...
But all that smiling...well it can be just down right exhausting...not to add in being TWO...so just sending a smile and a reminder to sometimes you just gotta see something and run at it with all you have and let out an OH BOY!!!! Happy Birthday Oh Boy...I think I have changed her name!
Started this March 9...but didn't finish until the early a.m. on the 10th...
Do you ever remember where you were a certain date...it is usually something completely magic or completely tragic...March 9, 2011...at this time of night probably sitting in the darkness...thinking we would wake up from this dream...at 6:18 p.m (the time remembered because Jay was born June 18)., Ash Wednesday, my "favorite son-in-law" I called him...okay my only...but still called him that as he called me Sweetness...and I see where his daughter gets her giving me crap from...and I love her all the more for it...but as I was working to write...Jay was killed in the line of duty. His life taken by another...and that day has become a marker in time...we often will say before Jay or after Jay...and though we don't finish the sentence...you know and now thinking about this 4 years ago. The other day...actually I called it my Jay Bird day...my sister-in-law, Sandy and I went to lunch and she asked does it seem like 4 years to you or forever?
She thought it seemed like forever since she had seen his face...but there are things that seem like only 4 minutes ago as clear as they are in my mind...I think about my Jay Bird day...it was Thursday...full moon...and I had woke up with the start of a poem in my head...4-Ever...
Some might not know the significance of the 4. That was Jay's call number...Limon 4...I keep on my facebook a collage that I had put together...of favorite pics...of the date of his EOW...an acronym I used to not even know what it stood for...and really would be okay not knowing what End of Watch signified...but I do...
I look at these pics and remember which ones I took...in his black Limon sweatshirt...a day at our house...spent shooting as I have another of him carrying his gun...the gun one used in his video for he and Heather's wedding...Keith Urban's I'm Gonna Love You...a song that made me think of Heather and Jay when they got married...a song I heard on my Jay Bird Day...I can remember not too long after we lost Jay of Izzy and I stopping in a Luv's store and that song playing...and the words sticking out to me...I wanna stand out in a crowd for you as a man among men...and I think automatically of Jay's funeral...there is a video that I might have watched I don't even know how many times...pictures of that day...but the song that went with it...Save a place for me...and as I watched it this morning...I remembered how raw with pain that day was...but how one sweet little Isabel seemed to bring us light...pointing at the fireworks...picking flowers at her daddy's grave...that ended up on the Denver Post...I remember watching the photographer and stepping back...as it was a picture that I knew had to be taken...and I think how tiny she was...and I was thinking the other day...how many days...Isabel has been a part of our lives for 2,081 days...her daddy has been gone 1,461 of those days...70% of her life. Yet I feel that in those 620 days that he was here...Izzy can be certain her daddy loved her...in the 977 days Heather and Jay were married...Heather knew Jay loved her. Oh were they a perfect family? Is there a perfect family...but probably very close to 4 years prior to my Jay Bird day...the kids were all at our house. But I can clear as day remember (back to the 4 minute thing...the magic thing) seeing Jay putting his arms around Heather and giving her a hard time and Izzy trying to break them apart...and I just remember holding that one in my heart and thinking "life is good". And then all of that taken away just a few days later...I remember the smile he gave as they left...giving Heather a hard time...and I wonder where the time has gone...and I pull up the youtube video again...
And perhaps there are some that think I wallow in the pain...that I might speak too much of losing one...but things that happened after Jay...have been as though it is important and something I need to do to REMEMBER...and though I remember many of the funny...the Jay moments...I too remember the pain of losing one we love...of watching my daughter and granddaughter...his mom and dad...his sister and brother...and all of the rest of us be without him...and a reminder of how precious life is and we are not guaranteed one day much less 10,126 days...how many days Jay was here. And I wonder...when I am gone...will 4 years later...those that I love will they be told...I miss...I remember...I love...considered a hero...though Jay would probably say no...just doing my job that I loved. I remember one day hanging out with he and Izzy he playing an X-box game it seems...I not really caring for it...but hanging out I think rocking a sleeping Izzy. Anyway I remember Jay getting shot in the game and telling him...I don't think you are supposed to do that...and I can still hear him laughing at me saying yeah I know...but that laugh...he loved to use it...and I look back at the pics on the collage and I had seen that Heather had put one together...
And I look at these pics and think in some ways they seem like yesterday and one wonders where does 4 years or 1,461 days go so quickly to? How did we lose a little baby into a kindergartener? But as I seen the other day...one think I have learned...life goes on. Whether we stop or not it goes and there is a song that Heather likes and I think of something it might be Jay telling the girls...it isn't about traveling to exotic places or some extensive list of "to do's" that matters how you lived...but maybe how you felt about what you did with each day...how others felt about you...if you let someone know you loved them...so when I hear I Lived by One Republic...it just reminds me...we only have so many days...what did we do with them...
I think of my day today...of waking up and spending time at my kitchen table...of reading from God Calling...for today's date it read...
NOTHING IS SMALL
Nothing is small to
God.In His sight a sparrow is of
greater value than a palace, one kindly word of more importance than a stateman’s
speech.
It is the Life in all
that has value, and the quality of the life that determines the value.I came to give Eternal Life.
How I came upon catching up in this book that gave me inspiration many of those first days after Jay...but I hadn't looked at but had some visitors over the weekend and one sweet little girl found it in my basket and shared it with her mom...I think of this little girl...the daughter of a couple who four years ago...brought Tim and I clothes from Alco as we had not packed and then we spend the day with them almost 4 years later...but anyway their daughter that ran for the sheep when she escaped the house...saying..."Oh Boy" and I could hear Jay laughing...this little one who I may forever just call "Oh Boy!"...a granddaughter of one we had lunch with today...best man at Heather and Jay's wedding...Gordon...you know those tough guy cops that I watched him tonight at dinner...and the interaction between he and Izzy...makes me smile...makes me smile that he has grandkids that are friends with mine...as I seen a picture of Kara and Jay as one of the profile pics on facebook today...and I smile every time I see it!
And so I add a picture from yesterday of Kara with Jay's daughter Izzy...my Firecracker...who though didn't get to have her dad use crayons on her fingernails...loves the story and wanted to try it sometime...
Time flies by so quickly and so I come back to my day of reading something that hit me this morning a quote that was shared...shared by Martha Gilstrap...from Washington Irving...
Quote of the Day:
There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love. -- Washington Irving
Those who know me know I am a tears person...but I am also a laughter person...I continue on thinking of the day. Of choosing to spend it with my daughter in place of going into the office. We met up at the cemetery and I think of the poem I had started to share and perhaps hopped on my bike and seen a squirrel...but here the poem I had written for Jay and put in a shadow box...
So I think of this 4-Ever and a day...of the three things that will last forever FAITH...HOPE...LOVE and the greatest of these is LOVE...and I am reminded of the verse that has stayed with us for Jay...
"Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends". John 15:13 KJV
And I am taken back to a song I heard...sung by Page CXVI...Christ Alone...and the words from this song just stick with me..."No guilt in life...no fear in death...from life's first cry...to final breath" and I think of my faith...of Jay's faith...Christian...of just the simple truth of John 3:16... "For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son...that whosoever believeth in Him shall not perish but have Everlasting Life." It is this truth that I feel Jay Bird has everlasting life...I write Bird and think of the bird that soared on my Jay Bird Full Moon day...a hawk looking type bird...with red on it...I not getting close enough to look....but thinking of Jay soaring!
I feel Jay's faith was an important part of who he was...sure he was not perfect...but are any of us...that is back to the whole grace thing...but it is as though I need to share...the day Jay was killed...it was earlier in the day...I having a conversation with Mary and had shared with her this dream or vision or what I am not sure...but of seeing some reaching out from below me saying why didn't you tell me...so at times this haunts me...of wanting to share my faith...as though something I have been called to do...the Forever thing...
And so I look back at the day as remembering my favorite son-in-law is also one of the things that seem to be one to do...and so I share some pictures from the cemetery...of time with my girls...of dinner with some more of special people...some of Jay's "family"...His folks...his sister Autumn and husband Andy...Sitting next to Jake and his precious little Boston at Southside...and I think of one of the pictures of Jay and Izzy dancing...at Southside. Jake one of those guys I think of when I heard a song that Heather shared...of sitting across from Russell...of Gordon right near Heather's back...thinking of the Chief calling Heather during lunch and their conversation...of texting with him...of a reminder of That's What Brothers Do... That's What Brothers Do by Kirby Stailey
So Jay Bird...know you are 4-Ever in our hearts...and reminders of you in one precious little girl who came with her mom after school and then needed to go with Grammy and Grandad...the LORD has blessed us with a part of Jay's legacy that he liked to call Peanut! And I know this is much of my motivation for capturing these little snapshots in time...to share with an Izzy...to let her know who her dad was...that he loved her...and he was a special one...
This shirt seemed to make me think of her dad...and then this is the one she wore today...
Writing on the flower pots...dad
My girls...and watching how much Izzy has changed from each year...each 365 days...
Izzy greeting Grammy and Grandad...
Izzy hugging her mama...
Roses that were waiting on us with the rock
Some Jay and Izzy flowers...
Southside...Izzy and Grammy getting some card playing in..
My girls...Boston and Izzy...the princesses!
Boston sitting beside me at dinner...and points to my shirt as I had on my Limon 4 shirt...it has a picture of Jay on the front and she asked who it was...I tell her Jay...and she repeats Jay...to which I tell her Izzy's daddy and she looks for Izzy...and Jake says she can say Jay as he had heard my last comment...I told him she said it and he tells of her coming in his office and pointing at Jay's picture and saying Dad...and he told her Jay and she says Jay...I love that she will know Jay...because her mom and dad loved him...
This picture makes me stop and think of another song...I think of Jake having a beer with Jay...of Lance introducing me to this song as a Jay song...
This guy really don't like me taking his pic...
And you all know how I feel about this guy Jake...
And this might have been quite the ride....what one might get at 1:30 or 2:00 in the morning and I realize it is no longer the 9th...but you know as it was 4 years ago...the days that followed are as much a part as the day...I include a couple writings that touched my heart...
the Chief's daughter Amie shared:
This will always be a difficult day! As the years pass on, the memories, the sights, the sounds and feelings from that night get stronger and more clear. So many people were changed that night and I know for me personally, I haven't been the same. Enjoy each moment with those that you love!!!! Thinking of you Heather Sheridan and Izzy. I also want to thank the Limon Police Department and the Lincoln County Sheriffs Department for continuing to put your life on the line daily to protect all of us. You are appreciated more than you will ever know.
Another by Joie Broderick...who used to work with Jay...
Today marks 4 years. It's hard to wrap my mind around that. It's rare if a day goes by without a memory, a smell, a joke or even roughed up hair to remind me of one very special friend God allowed me to have. Today marks a new beginning for me. I can't continue to hate this day. I can no longer let it consume me. I will not continue to carry the anger and bitterness. I'm determined to honor Jay's memory by making new memories and new goals with determination. I will never forget, never take for granted the life of those I love, including my family in Blue. Missing you all tonight. Much love to Heather Sheridan and Izzy and the Sheridan/Pfeiff families! Never Forgotten — with Lynn Lisa Yowell and 4 others
And Joie I think we have some similar thoughts...so I leave with one picture...Izzy's roses from her mama...but a reminder to stop and smell the roses....
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