Friday, April 8, 2011


This one is another that has been on the shelf but after this morning's reading...I pull it off and decide to finish.  As I am sure you can guess...I still struggle with the WHY'S...Why must we lose one so young?   One with such a good heart?    And so at my kitchen table this morning I am going through the WHY'S and I open up my Living Bible to John 13.   And there underlined is v. 34-35:

"And so I am giving a new commandment to you now--love each other just as much as I love you.  Your strong love for each other will prove to the world that you are my disciples."
And so I keep reading and there underlined as well is 14:6:
"Jesus told him, 'I am the Way--yes and the Truth and the Life.  No one gets to the Father  except by means of Me."
And then again underlined is 14:18:
"No I will not abandon you or leave you as orphans in the storm--I will come to you."
And this one I think of my Dad and how he always seemed to be one to care for widows and orphans...and I have a sadness because my daughter and granddaughter are without a husband and a daddy.   But I seem to keep reading as though there is more for me.   I try to take comfort that it says I WILL NOT ABANDON YOU!!!    And this begins the tie into the BROTHERHOOD...because God and Jay worked on building a brotherhood of men that would stand in for him and I have some pictures that I will include but know that there are so many more that are standing there as well.   At the funeral there is a picture I cherish of Izzy walking hand in hand with Grandad and P-Pa and they are each holding a hand letting her walk...but if she chooses to be lifted they each lift her up and this seemed to say so much to me that I know both these men will be there for Jay's girls!

But I go back to my reading and this is the part that brought the tears....but touched my heart.   I have read John before and though I know that I have so much to learn this one took on such a newness.  Because underlined again...I know that I have read this before and underlined all of these because they said something to me at least one time or another...but I do not remember why...but it read in John 15:10-11...
"When you obey me you are living in my love, just as I obey my Father and live in His love.  I have told you this so that you will be filled with my joy.  Yes, your cup of joy will overflow!"
And I think about how it is hard to have JOY right now...but it is no longer underlined but I read on and 15:12 says:
"I demand that you love each other as much as I love you."
And so I keep reading and copying to my journal as though an urgency that I want to know more and there is 15:13...
 "And here is how to measure it--"
So I continue writing as though this is all new and I do not read ahead until I come to this and I stop in my tracks and yes....have a few tears.  Because I am wondering HOW DO YOU MEASURE?   And right there it finishes:
"the greatest love is shown when a person lays down his life for his friends;"
And though this makes you think of Christ...I also feel that it is talking of Jay as well...that in choosing the career he chose, there are many a time that these individuals are willing to put their life on the line for others...sometimes for ones they have never met!   So this is even more where the "brotherhood" connects and I pick up where I started writing prior...

I said that Jay had two families...and that he did...his birth and marriage family...but also his brotherhood of law enforcement family.   It is an amazing thing to behold the connection between these men and women...a bond that many never get to experience or even observe close up.   (But a bond that we should all take note of...that we build a bond with our "brothers'.)

Jay gave some of his fellow "brother's" a "challenge coin" that had the following prayer...coincidence...I don't think so!   And these men were joined by many others vowing to be there for Jay's wife and child.  The words written were as follows:

"When I start my tour of duty God,
Wherever crime may be,
as I walk the darkened streets alone,
Let me be close to Thee.
Please give me understanding with both the young and old.
Let me listen with attention until their story's told.
Let me never make a judgment in a rash or callous way,
but let me hold my patience let each man have his say.
Lord if some dark and dreary night,
I must give my life,
Lord, with your everlasting love
protect my children and my wife." 
It was important for Jay to share this...and then when we were looking for Jay's coin to get the wording from it for the funeral...we could not find it.  The Chief loaned his and offered to let Heather have it...but she said Jay doesn't need his anymore...
So I leave this with pictures I have accumulated of the different men in Izzy's life and Heather's life that I know will be there as well as many that I do not have the pictures of...I have taken on a new and different respect for this "brotherhood" that come together for each other.   I continue to be amazed of the outpouring of support given.    I see the fundraiser in Lafeyette that none of them knew Jay but they wanted to make a difference and so in providing oil changes and ice cream to others...they gave their many giving food and money...someone giving hay for the heart though hurting is filled with a joy that there is good out there.   We tend to focus on the bad and negative and don't get me wrong there is a lot there...but there is a lot of very special loving people that do try to make a difference!   And to these individuals...thank you...thank you for being there...for proving there is good...for showing such a strong love to others...

This picture shows the pain of not just my girls but that of a "brother".   Jake Herrera was in pain from overcoming his own hospital stay as well as losing a friend.  But this picture reminds me of how he wanted to be there for Heather but also how she wanted to take care of one of Jay's "brother's"...and so they hurt together...
(Photo taken by Aaron Ontiveroz Denver Post

Another "brother"....Russell Lengel...standing by if needed...(another Denver Post photo)

I'm sure you all can guess how much I think of this guy...Michael Yowell...and the day of the funeral he sat with little Izzy and this definitely is one of those moments I will take and tuck away in my heart...

A happier time...Heather and Jay had taken Izzy "trick or treating" and I seen the "brotherhood" as we spent quite a bit of time at each house just "STS" :)...but Chief Yowell was on duty and took time to come and talk to a little "Tigger".   Something he continues to do...Another treasured memory...

This one I had to put both pics because the one says I'll take care of you and you take care of me...but the other says ya we'll give you a smile but we're playing here.   Love that Tyler Yowell too!

Oh these two have a bond indeed...Love that Granddad!  Do you notice who holds his heart...

P-pa giving Izzy some of Ricco's chocolate cake...there could be some spoiling going on here!  This Grandpa thinks he is solely responsible for spoiling this little girl rotten.   After all she and her mama are his princesses...

Uncle "La La" loves this little girl!

Uncle Shane ("Bob" :) above getting help with his birthday gift.   I know Uncle Shane will be there with plenty of stories for Izzy about her daddy!

and "Great Grand" Uncle Shane playing with bubbles and balloons!

And like I said there is so many I didn't have pictures of...Wes, Andy, Dylan, Josh, Reeder, and so many other special friends.   I will quit listing but there are so very many and know how much you are appreciated!

As always I am touched by music and pictures...there is a song out by Rascal Flatts that just makes me think of first how God will be there...but then I also see in my mind all the officers standing up and I see these pictures of these special men and I hear these words sung by all and I feel a presence of Jay watching over as well...and so the words of  "I Won't Let Go" say...  (Listen to I Won't Let Go

"It's like a storm
That cuts a path
It breaks your will
It feels like that
You think you're lost
But you're not lost on your own,
You're not alone

I will stand by you,
I will help you through
When you've done all you can do
and you can't cope
I will dry your eyes,
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
and I won't let go

It hurts my heart to see you cry
I know its dark this part of life
Oh it find us all and we're too small
to stop the rain
Oh but when it rains

I will stand by you,
I will help you through
When you've done all you can do
and you can't cope
I will dry your eyes,
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
and I won't let you fall

Don't be afraid to fall
I'm right here to catch you
I won't let you down
It won't get you down
You're gonna make it
I know you can make it

Cause I will stand by you,
I will help you through
When you've done all you can do
and you can't cope
I will dry your eyes,
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
and I won't let go

Oh I'm gonna hold you
and I won't let go
Won't let you go
No I won't"

This song didn't just stand out to me but I am sure many others...a friend used it on her blog as well....

And don't get me wrong....there are plenty of women standing by as well....but that is another I end this as I one another...I love you!

So I am sorry if I still seem to be writing a little sad but still processing..I pray for strength...and I hear the words of Chief Yowell..."Strong in--Strong out."   Somedays I just repeat that to myself....but here is to JoY and so I share a picture of Jay and a "best man" (Gordan Nall) and I raise a toast to all the "brothers"...Thank you and God bless!   I learned a new acronym "EOW" is end of watch...but I feel that Jay and God are still watching over us.

Okay I still smile thinking about these two!  A so much younger looking Jay but good times with good friends!


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