I sit here in the darkness...what might be considered the middle of the night...when I first looked at the time it was 3:16 a.m. and that was after I had let Otis out...yes spending the night with my girls up in the big town of Limon. After a day of shopping on Firecracker Flex Friday and I realize that it has been 2 weeks this writing has been building...I listen as the clock ticks in rhythm...of the sounds a restless dog is making...and try to figure out if it is the sinus medicine that has me wired...or just life...and me turning into an old woman who sleeps from time to time...
And yesterday...we went shopping...a lunch at Old Chicago...surrounded by many in uniform...military. A little Firecracker so big...ordering her own drinks and meals...connecting with our waiter who takes the time to let her know that she is special...of course I had just told her that a song was singing of her...I'm special...so special...and that you are Izzy Bell...that you are. Even if you and your mom ditched me as I went to the restroom and you two ran out to hurry and beat me and in making sure you were buckled in before I got there...the doors were locked...oh a little rain never hurt anyone...especially an Ahma! I hopping back in the backseat and away we went (hmmm hopping...).
We went looking for what we wanted to take to the cemetery...Three years...in ways gone by so fast...and in other ways seems as though an eternity...we have a fun time shopping and in addition to what we went for...we find a bouquet of flowers for one Izzy Bell...all colors of daisy type flowers...and I love watching my daughter be the "best mom in the whole world". And later it is discussed between one little Firecracker and myself...when she tells me she loves her mom more than me and I say I loved her first and she says I love her most...and she says not as much as me Ahma. I remember something I had read...and I tell her well you have loved her from the inside...and she says and you haven't have you...to which I reply that I have not. But that I did have her inside me. She says do you love her as much as me Ahma? And she repeats the question. I say I love you both this much and keep spreading my arms several times as if more than just one outstretched arms...but this does not seem as large a number as her missing her mom 89 and it seems like to the moon and back and 89 and Ethan commenting something of being measured in two different ways...and us deciding it is a lot because if it is 89 in Izzy's world...that is a lot! But I get back to our conversation and she tells her mom we are twins mom. Because Ahma loves me and you as much as I love you!
I think back of our ride home now in the snow and seen a lot of snow falling...but it is that beautiful spring snow that is full of moisture that you just can't help but appreciate. We stop for fuel and snacks and a little Firecracker finds a Buzz Lightyear apple juice and we come up with other snacks as well. Perhaps in need of a nap...as we drive she drops her apple juice where she cannot reach it nor I where I am not sitting in the front seat because the back is filled with a Peanut and our loot. She also drops something else...maybe part of her new Little Mermaid toy...but we hear this little 4 year old say this is the worst day ever. Her mom and I smile to each other...and I say I bet your mom wishes that...to which her mom says something on the line of this day is better than many of her regular days at work...and we talk of how being so young she doesn't remember our worst day ever...and that is okay. Later her and I are looking at pictures and we find a video that her mom recorded Izzy and her daddy in the swimming pool...a little Firecracker sitting on my lap and wanting to watch it again and again until she is quoting the words of her mom adding sound in talking of the daddy squirting the mommy with water and the Peanut maybe picking her nose...and after watching she would say watch it again Ahma...
So I go from this Firecracker Flex Friday...which is approaching the anniversary of when we lost Jay...though he is very near our hearts...and I look in the darkness and see outlines of a flag presented to Heather...sillouettes of pictures taken...and the clock just keeps ticking...like a heart beat in the night and sometimes in this room...in this house...I feel strong connections with Jay Bird...and time has passed and I still unable to sleep and so I continue to write. However...I connect to what I began writing a couple weeks ago...
And my emotions seem to be a little raw tonight...and I sit here in the darkness reflecting on the last couple days. A roller coaster of life all within 48 hours. Yesterday morning as I was getting ready to leave home to go spend my Firecracker Flex Friday with my favorite Firecracker. I had thrown in extra clothes for staying the night...though wasn't certain why or if I would. But as I am heading out the door I get a text. A text that says the Chief...well I put in the Chief even though the text had his name...because that's just what I often hear him referred to...but says he had a heart attack! It says that he is good. But still it hits you...a WHAT!!!
I know this man has a strong and good heart...though his heart could be a little tender from the roller coasters of life! The love...the losses...and just from using it! And in the one hour and 15 minute drive to Limon...one always has time to reflect. I had a black car come out of nowhere...my first thought was that it was a sheriff car...but it moved on past me...unmarked if it was one. And I think...that is how things hit you...sometimes not expecting them at all but all of a sudden they are there riding your ass and you just want them to move on past you. And I am glad to say that it sounds like the Chief will be coming home. So we give thanks for that! (Actually it sounds like he is home--good news Lynn).
So I go on to my day. I knew I was going to have the Firecracker...Miss Izzy...while her mom was working and that later I was going to get to hang out with a little Miss Boston. She being the daughter of one very special police officer and his very special wife. Jake and Amy...love this couple...and love that they share one special little Baby B...WITH ME! So I get to my daughter's house and she is getting around for work...usually her day off but those dang accountants...We talk about the Chief and she says that she had told Miss Boston's folks that "Baby B" could come over earlier if her dad would like a little more rest. You see sometimes in a small town...a small police force...is affected by things such as oh the chief having a heart attack. Or just the fact alone that dad was on the night shift and the adventures of juggling precious things like little girls...and sleep. I remember special days hanging out with Jay Bird and letting him sleep on a Flex Friday...while I got to play. A fair trade...just like yesterday. LOVE time with such special blessings!
And I tuck this away for morning...it is 11:11 STAMP IT! And I decide to finish in the morning...and morning comes and goes and a new night and I think of what pics of my day with two special little girls...
Heather went to pick up Boston and one little Firecracker comes bopping down the stairs and tells me when Boston gets here we need to get the jumper thing and of course...Izzy Bell needed to be the first to hold Boston...and I grab my camera because I love snapping moments that I want to keep in my heart...of special days...of special memories...of people that I love! And I love how Miss Boston has such a way about her...her little personality of taking in everything and at the same time making Izzy laugh. She told me Boston isn't my sister or cousin..."she's my Silly!" Even though she is looking pretty serious in these pics...I think it is her cop face that her daddy taught her.
I catch Boston in the jumper and catch some smiles from this little serious face. Though serious she is such a laid back little girl that seems okay with whatever. Even though I wonder about teething she was a sweetie. A little snugly and good to be held...and so I suffered through it. And Izzy the Firecracker is definitely growing up on me...but I got to hold them both on my lap and I was thankful I had inherited two laps as Lance once said of my mom so she could hold both of my kids at the same time.
And before we knew it...it was lunch time. Though some negotiating...we got to go to Ruby's for a short horn. Miss Boston...got to take in some carrots! So we met up with Izzy's mama and she took Baby B to who I loved how she kicked back while taking her bottle...little Joe Cool!
Ahhhh carrots!
And then there was Firecracker who was hamming around...how I love those blue eyes!
And there was time in the jumper...how I remember Izzy jumping in this very same one and the music that it played and I am taken back to Izzy being this very age. I love how these little ones seem to learn so much. I was surprised as I was helping Izzy and Boston was sitting right by us on the floor and I sat in the chair which Izzy got right over by me and before I knew it...Baby B had pulled herself up and standing there! But I loved that I caught smiles and though she reminds me a lot of her daddy....I think when she smiles...I see all the more of her mama.
And before you know it...while little Baby B is sleeping on my lap...her Grandma comes to pick her up and off she goes. And I wonder when I will see her again...but thankful for time with her...and then fix the Firecracker some spaghetti and FINALLY her mom gets home from working and I go ahead and stay the night since I was invited so we could have a sleepover and stay up...
We make the night and I worry about Otis who decides to stay outside...and so 5:30 I am out looking for where he is hiding...under the trampoline...and so we head back in...and I am hoping that no one is up and about and sees me out and about...
The new day begins and we have waffles...and Heather decides to go into work for awhile on this Saturday...which it takes one little Firecracker and I a while to get around and while getting around I get a text from my friend Mary that her sister-in-law Sherri has passed...and I think of the words...and think she has passed from this pain and suffering she has endured. I think of a song that I had came as driving to work the other day...and I think...this song is for Sherri's family...as I have been through battles with cancer...when the one's left behind have to let her go...I think this song is for another blog...but while listening to that song...I hear a song this morning that seems like a part of this blog. It came on when I was looking at pictures of the girls it began playing...
These pictures are from our "picnic" yes it was a little chilly Saturday afternoon...but those eyes just want a picnic...with our lunch from the "chili place" (for those not in the know...it is Wendy's) and so Izzy Bell and I go pick up her mom and we head for Wendy's loading up on chili for our picnic...a picnic with snow...but I loved the pictures I got...and so back to the song by Passenger...Holes...and it makes me think of how we all have holes in our heart...from things that have caused us pain...and as the song sings...you can't change and you can't choose... now we've got holes in our hearts yeah we've got holes in our lives...we've got holes...but we carry on...
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| This would be a CHILLY chili eater...it was pretty cool out for a picnic... |
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| In deep thought...I often wonder what goes through that mind... |
And that is as far as I got...but I took many pictures this day and may make Izzy a little video...because it was one of those days you take and hold in your heart...and it just seemed that one could keep building on the heart theme...I go back and think of Jay and of our loss of him...hit in the heart and I question as I watched during this time frame...of the bus driver...whose life was spared because the bullet hit the Bible in his pocket that he had just started carrying a Bible in his pocket...and one wonders...and though I have asked WHY many a times...and I am sure I sound like a little one...WHY? How Come? Why you want to do that for? And the shepherd and I have had the discussions that when it is your time...and so I have tried to quit trying to understand...but I hold on to my faith...and I think of when I looked at the clock first and it read 3:16...I think of John 3:16...For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son. That whosoever believeth in Him shall not perish but have everlasting life...
I think of all of those that in believing this Truth...we will see again...and my heart is thankful though like the song I found earlier may have a hole in it...but you know we carry on and we all carry on in our own ways. Tomorrow March 9 will mark the 3rd anniversary...and at 6:18 Jay's birthday and time of losing this special guy...just a regular guy...just a cop...a daddy...a husband...a son...a friend...but a guy with a big heart...
And perhaps I have rambled on...and perhaps I use this to keep memories that I also keep in my heart...but perhaps your heart has been touched...and you will touch another...and stop and think how precious life is...how we do not know...and so I may let this set for a little longer as I will reread again in the light of day...and perhaps catch a picture or two to include....after all one little Peanut has a beautiful new bouquet that just says SPRING time...which I place up above...
I bid you a good morning and maybe sleep will come...I end including a picture I will lay on Jay's grave...of things that touch your heart...puppies...little babies...and daddy's that love them...
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| Izzy studying this picture trying to figure out what dog that is...Amy she thought yours...and I think where has the time gone... |
I snap a few more pics of the girls and I's time at the cemetery that I add in to this fairly long bike ride...a special time to stop and reflect on a life that touched ours...there will be some that will go to the grave site...some that will stop and think of Jay from where they are...and I think there are many different ways to grieve...to honor someone that is close to our hearts...
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| And these two I ask for a picture and the little encourages the mama to give me these looks...I love these girls! |
And I catch one that touches my heart...and I think how thankful for all of those that touch my heart. In looking back...I am thankful to have Jesus in my heart...thankful for the Chief and his family...that he is healing...of the Herrera's...my family...and many I didn't mention but touch my heart all the same...when it comes to the heart...though it might at times hurt...thankful that my heart feels...and with that I say Sweet Dreams and may you stop and think of all that touches your heart...
lyp
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