My Aunt Arlis....she was always the kind of woman I wanted to be like...she was athletic in school...played ball with the boys and I watched her play on an outsiders team and she still had it...well until she broke her foot...but she also could type 100 words per minute on a MANUAL TYPEWRITER...to me that was just quite the feat...she was on the school board...many of these things to me were such cool things...work hard...and make some awesome pinto beans and bread...
And so I get a chance to go see her the other day. I had called the girls ahead of time...and so they may have told her but when I walked in she said well Penny...and I took a seat beside her and gave her the slice of Fargo's pizza I had smuggled in for her...She said it had been awhile and so I told her it was around Valentine's I had brought her chocolate and she said...Oh I remember the chocolate! And it made me smile...I had wrote in my journaling a while back about something that we had done with Izzy...and I pull it up and I was referring to Valentine's day going to the movie Frozen with Izzy and Oppy (my shepherd)...and her other Grands...Grammy and Grandad and her mama...but I wrote:
A moment to cherish...I hope Izzy remembers but perhaps it is like Aunt Arlis...we do not remember all of the moments but we remember feelings of joy...of love...and those do not go away...or my HOPE is that they do not. I suppose like in the movie Frozen...our hearts if hit can turn to ice and we lose ourselves...and cannot live...but if we choose to LOVE it can thaw even the hardest heart...I almost feel a blot in the makings here...
Yes I wrote a BLOT...perhaps I could start a new word...I put a blot of ink about this and about that...I mean surely that is as good of a word as blog...okay I get off my subject...back on the bike I go...
But as Aunt Arlis and I sat in the living room of this home...surrounded by others who not near as good...a woman who sits in total silence...and I wonder where she is...you hope in happy place though she does seem at peace. A man who sits and holds a little doll as it seems to help him...I have met his wife with him...and then there was another woman...I do not recall her name but she was in such a place...I did not feel her peace at all...she continued to be restless...of seeing things not there...and Aunt Arlis...trying to calm her down...to tell her to keep seated. But then there was a moment that Aunt Arlis' fire came as this woman says that she has two phones and she won't let her use either one of them. Aunt Arlis became a little upset and in a stern voice says we are not going to start that crap. We will nip that in the bud right now. That is not true and we aren't going to start that. To which the woman understands that this is not something she wants to pursue.
This woman calls out a name to which I ask who it is and she says...I don't know. She then begins wanting to go see her mother. Which Aunt Arlis tells her she is not here any more she has gone to the "Good World" I think she described it...and Aunt Arlis begins talking of good times we have had...of dancing. And I tell the girls there that she is an amazing dancer...and I think that these young caregivers...do not know the Arlis I knew...that we each have our story...and in our talking of good times she says, How I miss Bessie. (This is my grandmother...her mother-in-law). I say so do I and she said words that haunt me and cause me to think...She said she missed her and then she said I wonder if anyone will miss me when I am gone? And I tell her I will. As I think to myself...I already do...I miss the woman that I once knew...yet I am blessed that I am allowed glimpses and am allowed to carry on good conversation and can feel her love and though we repeat things...as most know...I am good about talking about something over and over...we talk of how Aunt Arlis pressure cooked her pinto beans...and how I had ate some that reminded me of hers and I thought of her...of her tuna casserole...of how Kim takes good care of her...how Glen is working...
And so I think of my cousin Kim as she moves her mother from this place to another...Namaste...I think of yoga...the guy I have watched says it...not sure if all do...my knowledge of yoga is somewhat limited...though I would like to begin again...okay back on the bike...so I "Doodle" it and find the definition in the "Urban Dictionary"..."an ancient Sanskrit greeting still in everyday use in India and especially on the trail in the Nepal Himalaya. Translated roughly, it means "I bow to the God within you", or "The Spirit within me salutes the Spirit in you" - a knowing that we are all made from the same One Divine Consciousness." And I could probably write on this...but I leave it alone as it is time to bring this to a close I suppose...
But my thoughts and prayers go with Aunt Arlis. I read one of the verses from Jesus Calling...
"You will keep him in perfect peace, Whose mind is stayed on You. Because he trusts in You." Isaiah 26:3
And I am reminded of conversation the other day when Kim talked of her pain...her sadness and she shared these words:
“It’s not the kind of
sadness to where you cry all the time, but more of like the sadness that
overwhelms your entire body, leaving your heart aching and your stomach
empty. Making you feel weak and
tired. And yet you can’t even sleep
cause the sadness is in your dreams too.
It’s almost a sadness you can’t escape.”
To these words I had replied of not knowing her pain but of losing a mother I knew...though she had to do it slowly...but another friend put something that stuck with me...she said as women we want to FIX IT! And that is so true...I want to fix it so Kim does not have to feel this pain...so that Aunt Arlis does not feel the pain...but I think in this life...we will have some pain...until we get to the "Good World"...and the Coldplay song Fix You comes to mind...and my faith makes me think that only our Lord can really FIX US!!
And I share it with Kim who we share the love of music...and though I cannot fix you...I pray for your strength...for your peace as you make this part of your journey. I love you and love your mama! And I caught a picture while there of her in her blue jeans and sweat shirt and the light was bright that day...perhaps why I didn't catch her eyes wide open...and perhaps it is something I cannot fix...and so I do what I can I pray...I love...please join me...
lyp
No comments:
Post a Comment