Sometimes you never know...

Today was one of those days...one of those days that you just didn't think it would be like it was...but it was.   At my kitchen table I thought about the day ahead...jury duty.   I admit I do not have a lot of jury duties under my belt.  In fact this would be my actual second time to even go and when I went the first time I was not even picked.

I confess I had some apprehension...and I had prayed for strength that my emotions would stay intact.   For those who know me--you know that I cry at Kleenex commercials.  But I thought I would be okay.  I must admit I was thankful when I seen Loretta...a neighbor...a friend...though we do not do a lot together...she is one of those you know is there.   Our kids grew up together and she is just one of those special women.   I filled out the questionnaire and must admit I had a lump in my throat when asked if I had family that now I can't remember...perhaps peace officers was the word...but they asked if any of my family was peace officers.  I wrote down that my son-in-law was killed in the line of duty.   I wrote it down...there they would know.   They also asked if I had good or bad experience with police officers.   Given the support that I have experienced with Jay...I have a deeper respect for those men and women in "blue". 

But I had written it down...perhaps that would be all I had to do.  As I went into the courtroom I spotted Loretta and next to her--Connie.   Yes another one of those women that though we do not spend a lot of time together...she taught my children.  And she is just a special woman as well.  So I sat next to these women and we talked and laughed and I was thankful that they were there...

Then in came Lisa...another special one.  She was my kids teacher, my daughter's coach, but she is also someone I consider friend and no not just Facebook friends...and so I was thankful that these very women were there with me.  I thought I am sure I can do this. 

We went through the introduction and even when the defendant came in...I was still okay.  Of course, I was still surrounded by these friends.   Then there it came...they called my name third.   I walked up and took my seat and then I don't know if it was the larger guard that was across from me for some reason his pants had made me think of Jay--or perhaps just the whole "world" that this represented--perhaps it was the allegations and the energy from the defendant...but I could feel the tears coming.  No I had not brought a hanky.   I was overcome with emotion it seemed and I tried to swallow it and keep it stuck inside but the tears kept coming.

Loretta who had also been called was seated right down in front of me and quietly asked if I was alright.  I asked her for a Kleenex...to which she didn't have...but Dennis--another I would call friend--in fact a pall bearer for my mother.  And he pulled out a hanky for me with a D on it.   And I thought how I was thankful for these people that though I do not spend a lot of time with--there is a connection...

When it came my time to say who I was and talk about myself...the judge thought that I was nervous about public speaking...that the quiver and emotion in my voice was nerves.   I told him that was not the case...and I still thought I could get through this.   While I did answer all of the questions that were on the board before me.   I had already choked up because there was the question again if I had any family that was police officers.   And so I had to say it out loud in a room full of some friends, some neighbors and yes some strangers that my son-in-law had been killed in the line of duty.  I finished the questioning and then the defendants attorney asked to approach the bench...as the lawyers went up to the judge.   As they talked, I did not make eye contact with many.  However, there was one man that was at the "people's" table.  He had a very no-nonsense to his demeanor that I had noticed earlier...but after my words...I will not forget the look that seemed to be one of sincerity and respect for my loss.

I had thought earlier how this experience had gave me more sensitivity than what I had even had before for those that on a day in and day out basis are met with deep reminders.   And the looks that those around you give--some give a look of just pity, some a look of helplessness, others with true concern and respect, but then there are others that just their eyes seem to say I am here for you.  I think about my daughter, about Jay's family, Jay's friends, and how they experience this much more than I.  Living and spending time in the very town that this happened.

Though I am not sure of the reason--perhaps they thought I would not be fair, perhaps they didn't want someone blubbering through the trial, whatever the reason, I was released in 2 hours.   And though I was emotionally drained, I thought I guess maybe that was an early birthday present--as my favorite son-in-law had got me out of jury duty.   I would have rather had him here and done my civic duty.  But guess that wasn't one of the choices...

As I went to leave--Lisa grabbed my hand and squeezed.  Then Linda another special woman was signing me out...and while she handed me my paperwork she also got two Kleenex--one for her and one for me.   She has had her own loss but she also shared my pain...so I guess you just never know when you will have special angels there for you.   So as I went to leave--another familiar face who was guard said something about did I get kicked out...and I said I guess it was because of who I knew...

I am not sure why I feel the need to share this experience...but there seems to be a reason.  And this writing seems to help me and I hope that it makes you stop and think and remember someone special.  So I include a picture of happier days...because there is a reason that I miss this guy...and you just never know when you are going to have one of those days that it hits you hard--but thankful for those that are there for you even when they don't know it.   I stop and think there is a reason that I got to know him...and there is a reason that he is remembered with such emotion...so I share this pain but I also share a picture that I came across the other night that just made me smile and so I put it up to hopefully leave you with a smile as well--and to say thank you and I love ya Jay Bird!!



Jay Sheridan and Amy's puppy...one of my favorite sides of this man in blue...


lyp